?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Name

Recent Entries

You are viewing the most recent 10 entries

February 10th, 2011

07:31 pm: double door
it's kinda funny how much it felt like you were a part of me.

i was a teeny tiny fish and you were my deep blue sea

i could even see sunlight behind your stupid cracked teeth;

a smile that melted my ice cold heart oh so totally.

now i live and breathe sadness again in all its entirety

cause maybe just maybe that's the way i'm always supposed to be.





Sunday, November 25, 2007


beat happening

so almost two years ago joel, jill, and i stumbled home together from a loft party in the river north area. i don't remember who's party it was. joel probably brought us there so he could sell drugs to stock brokers. the place was pretty fancy, but i could tell whoever lived there had to have been in a fraternity from the abundance of pornography in the bathroom and empty liquor bottles lined up on top of his kitchen cabinets. I was never picky about where or who i did drugs with so I probably had fun. anyway we stumbled home only to continue engaging in our exessive cocaine use. i think jillhad like a giant gallon of cheapo red wine. if not a gallon a normal sized bottle but it very well could have been a gallon because back then jill traveled with gallon sized bottles of vodka so that could be why i'm picturing the gallon. we all had purple lips. we drank the rest of it and snorted the rest of the coke within an hour or two. it was winter time. sometime in the middle of the two hours joel ran out to make another sale around the corner and jill and i thought it would be hilarious to put on bathing suits with winter hats and gloves and act like nothing changed when he got back. its weird but doing lots of coke always made me want to put on a bathing suit. its even weirder how much i just loved sniffing drugs. when i was little if anyone in our house dared to sniffle mom would immediately go **nsts** and say "get some kleenex." it always made me embarrassed to sniffle in places like school or ballet class so sometimes just to keep quiet i would let it drip from my nose and just keep secretly wiping it with my sleeve because despite my mother's constant demand to "get some kleenex" we never had any in the house. so then joel came back and looked at us confused because he could tell something was different just couldn't put his stupid finger on it. we're in bathing suits you idiot! we weren't before you left! god! with no drugs left joel blew up an air mattress for jill. we all slept in the same room because i lived in a studio apartment in the gold coast. i had to be up in probably less than three hours so i could go to work at the awful lifeforce center. jill was talking a lot in her sleep. joel was just sleeping. i was probably beginning to freak the fuck out and feel really bad. when my alarm clock went off i hadn't slept at all. i was wretchedly hung over. jill was complaining about having the worst headache of all time. she started to cry a little too. it made me even more sad. we dragged over to her parked car. it was the most gorgeous sunny day i had ever seen. i don't think it's ever been that sunny out before or ever will be again. on lakeshore drive we were tired and silent. a beat happening song came on, and i thought about how the beat was comparible to how i felt inside. really repetitive and down. joel was probably still sleeping.

December 25th, 2010

02:27 am: this infomercial that just came on tv
if you have to wear an entire sausage casing to fit into regular clothes like jeans and tshirts its time to workout not buy a sausage casing undergarment.

i sometimes feel like im in a sausage casing when i wear tights.

one time in 7th grade i wore my mom's girdle under my tshirt and overalls cause i thought it made me look skinnier. i don't think it made a difference. i don't even know why my mom had a girdle but i found it put it on and wore it to school.

May 11th, 2008

09:40 am: myspace
Sunday, November 25, 2007


beat happening

so almost two years ago now jill and i and joel and i and jill and joel all stumbled home from some place in the river north-ish area. i think it was a stranger's loft party. joel probably brought us there through justin because i don't think i would ever know anyone who lived in a fratty college dude loftspace in river north. i'm not picky about who i associate with it just seems people like that are not usually attracted to my company. so anyway we stumbled home from this place and continued engaging in our exessive cocaine use. i think jill had like a giant gallon of cheap red wine. if not a gallon, a normal sized bottle, but it could have been a gallon because back then jill traveled with gallons of vodka at a time so that's probably why i'm thinking gallon of cheap red wine. that's how rumors start right? we drank and drank that wine and we snorted and snorted that cocaine like little pigs. cause pigs snort not ladies. joel blew up an air mattress for jill. we went to bed in the same room because i lived in a studio apartment in the goldcoast. not a nice one though because my roommate was a huge yucky gross cockroach, and nice apartments don't rent to their kind. ever. i had to be up in probably less than three hours so i could go to work at that awful lifeforce center. jill was talking a lot in her sleep. joel was just sleeping. i was probably beginning to freak out or feel bad. when my alarm clock went off i hadn't really slept. i was wretchedly hung over. jill was complaining about having the worst headache of all time. she started crying a little too. we dragged over to her parked car, and it was the most gorgeous sunshiny day i had ever ever seen. i don't think it's ever been that bright out before or ever will be again. on lakeshore drive we were tired and silent. "our secret" came on, and i thought about how it had a nice beat to describe how i felt inside. really repetitive and down.

joel was probably still sleeping.

8:28 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Thursday, November 22, 2007


one again

it's kinda funny how much i thought that you were a part of me.
i was a little fish and you were my deep blue sea
i could even see sunlight behind your pretty cracked teeth;
sunlight sunlight that melted my icey heart oh so totally.
now i breathe sadness in again in all its entirety
cause maybe that's just the way i'm always supposed to be.

10:16 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


interesting nights

we left rodan and took a ride from the most interesting cab driver. after inviting him along for a drink at rainbo i learned that transylvania is truly a country, and its citizens are not only vampires, but mortals too! i'd like to learn more from your country, and how much money little elf put in boys and girls shoe.

6:40 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Saturday, March 11, 2006


stupid idiot

I was all alone when he left my bones

he was a caterpillar who went in and out and all about

crunching and munching

and biting too

almost straight through

because i was deep red apple slices soaked in sour lemon

unpleasant and tart

he spat me out

6:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Saturday, December 16, 2006


i’m a witer

it's good to keep to one's self every now and then.

maybe hole up alone in a place far from distract shen

cause just look what distraction has done to me

im old and fat and can hardly see!

6:34 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Sunday, March 25, 2007


short creative non fiction

............i decided when i was young that i was going to have a wonderful life no matter what. all i had to do was wriggle free from that monster that was so relentless with me. there have been moments, tiny moments granted, but moments when i have looked at myself and smiled and thought, "i think i've done it. i think it just might be gone for real this time," only to be caught and ravaged by it again, and this time worse than ever...........

6:31 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Saturday, June 16, 2007


nice

today at my sister's graduation ceremony a woman gave a speech. she has been teaching for thirty years. she has stood up for injustice. she loves what she does. she said something about how people go into teaching for many different reasons. i thought about how i never had a very inspiring teacher growing up. i've had good teachers, but for the most part none that made a huge impact on me. i thought about how throughout my entire time in school from kindergarten into college, i was struggling with so many issues, and i felt alone the entire time. i want to be a teacher, and if it is just one student who's suffering i acknowledge i will be content, but i hope that from my experience i have developed a sixth sense. i hope i will not treat my degree like a career, but more as a human service. i want to be a listener, a problem solver, an inspiration, and even a friend. if there is one student who feels alone i want to be the one to let them know that they are not. i want to give students the tools they will need to overcome their suffering. i want to help students love themselves and each other. i want all students to be treated equally and i won't ever overlook anyone. i can't wait to finish school, and i must say i am so proud of my sister. she is already an inspiration to me. i can just imagine the inspiration she will be to so many others.

4:39 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


yogssss

We know that our experience of the world depends entirely on the state of our nervous system. This in turn is influenced by a host of factors-heredity, diet, environment, and so on. If the nervous system is fresh and rested, the body will be healthy and the mind alert and comprehensive. As a result, our thought wil be powerful and clear and our actions, which are manifested thought, will be successful and rewarding. Conversely, if the system is tired, or strained, perhaps because of overactivity, or the influence of poor food (and habits), then our outlook will be restricted, the mind dull, and our actions ineffectual. Or life will become shallow and unsatisfying, a prey to all forms of negativity.
The techniques of yoga are methods of purifying the nervous system so that it can reflect a greater degree of consciousness and our lives can become an increasingly positive force in the world. If these techniques are correctly practiced, the whole nervous system is revitalized--the body enjoys better health and more energy, the rested mind is freed from the burden of past experience, and perception is restored to its primal freshness. Thought and activity become coherent and integrated, life becomes richer and more fulfilling.

8:35 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Monday, June 11, 2007


i miss my love

i opened up my heart one day
and inside it was black
black as night
blacker than a black cat
because for so long i left it closed
ignoring its begging pleas

i opened up my heart one day
and it was you who gave it light
bright bright light
warm yellow sunshine color radiated from inside of me
so it was this day that finally
i decided to leave it be.

5:56 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

July 22nd, 2006

10:09 am: i started reading my old entries today. i feel like a completely different person and not really in a good way. some of my bad habits have subsided. for a while i thought that was great, but i think i've only replaced my old bad habits with new ones. i don't feel as bad as much as i used to, but i think i haven't felt better. i don't really feel anything. i've turned away from everything. i tried to turn everything off so now i don't really feel alive. i'm reading the things i used to write about and a lot of it was heartbreaking, but all of it was so insightful and real and it was me. i miss so many things. i want to feel like myself again. who i am now is not who i really was or who i ever wanted to be.

April 22nd, 2006

10:24 am: now that i am at a more "appropriate" weight my breasts have nearly quadrupled in size. well more like doubled, but still....too big for me. i feel like i should be using them to feed children with or something.

February 23rd, 2006

01:58 pm: notes to self
keep taking fish oil capsuls. three in the morning and three at night.
keep eating green soup.
start doing bikram yoga.
pick up jack maltese for a visit.
answer phone when parents call once per day.
look forward to springtime.

January 8th, 2006

05:06 pm: it is weird
it is weird to know that i spent a good amount of time in a relationship with someone who has decided to completely cut me out of his life and forget about me after what seemed like a pretty good time together. it is rough to be broken up with. it is hard on one's mental state. it hurts really bad and one may react in a negative way toward the person they feel has hurt them so badly, but time goes on and then one heals and then sits and thinks "geez that was a lot of time i spent with someone and loved someone and now if i saw them on the street they might just look the other way.....like a stranger or something." well it's their perogative. i can't expect anything from them. i'm just sad about it. i mean i see certain people now who i thought i'd never talk to again and i talk to them now and i'm happy that i see them and laugh and stuff. oh welllll. i love joel brown.

December 20th, 2005

11:54 am: winter '05/'06
i am a little bored at work. so i'll make a livejournal entry. no nevermind this is dumb. i'm deleting this journal because it's just full of crybaby crap. move on.

November 28th, 2005

02:40 pm: sis
silent night
the moon lights the sky with white
you are by my side
together we hold our baby dolls tight
forging ahead through the storm
my bed is a covered wagon and it is the year 1848
while the wind refuses to let up her fight
our hearts are broken in two
you are my sister and i love you
i always will
we could freeze to death
but we never give up
and you are by my side still
i promise we will get there soon
there where the sun shines bright.

Current Music: songs ohia
10:19 am: $$$
now that i'm employed and going to be making lots of money i'm back to being in love with clothes and shoes and accessories. now that i'm good at buying cheap stuff i'm gonna be able to buy so much stuff and throw in some expensive things at the same time. i rule.

wish list....

shoes

MJ Image hosted by Photobucket.com

vintage frye Image hosted by Photobucket.com

j crew Image hosted by Photobucket.com

vintage boots Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

bags

MJ Image hosted by Photobucket.com

nordstrom Image hosted by Photobucket.com

vintage Image hosted by Photobucket.com

jewelry

vintage ebay finds
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

clothes

american apparel Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

urbn Image hosted by Photobucket.com
these jeans not the shoes Image hosted by Photobucket.com

abercrombie Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

then of course i'll have to buy a bunch of winter coats and hats and gloves and scarves and lots of H&M layering shirts

peace out.

Powered by LiveJournal.com